She

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I don’t know her yet, but it’s like she knows me better than I’ve ever been known. She knows my insides. She rolls quite close to my heart that beats, my lungs that breathe. Inside and out, she’ll see her momma, all the good and all the bad. I was afraid at first before we knew to buy pink or blue. I was afraid, whatever she’d be I may not be enough. And that may be true. It may be true I won’t soothe her every ache, she won’t understand my every move. But knowing, just knowing that there beneath a belly button coming out from hiding is a living, breathing girl. A beautiful girl. A perfect girl made by perfect hands. She has all she needs, even now. Her heart is beating, her lungs are breathing. Thank you.

The time until her has been more than I could have ever dreamed. She has a way of doing that, doesn’t she? Reminding us of all the good and making us forget all the bad. The moments I didn’t know I’d make it are suddenly, in a whole new way, worth it. With every kick, the world I thought I knew turns its face and shows me a side I’ve never seen. It just keeps getting better. Even when it doesn’t.

Before we know it, our world will change. That’s what we’re made for, isn’t it? Whatever’s not in front of us, what’s always coming next. We’ll wipe our tired eyes, and agree it’s just like they always said it would be: hard. It will be hard. It’ll be life. It’ll be sweet, too. Like the smile she’ll smile and the coos she’ll coo. She’ll win us over, she already has. We’ll know deep down we were made for this, this very moment.

We’re telling a story, each and every one of us. It’s the same story, really. We’re all searching, some of us are finding, some of us are fine with always searching. This story of infinite love unfolds a little more before me. Like the day I said “I do”, I saw the cracks in the sky as heaven broke through. And now, her. She’s telling this story, too. She’s here, but she’s not. She’s now and not yet. She’s the tension. Reminding us to brace ourselves, but to look around and find it now, this life we all crave.