Today I thumbed through my tagged photos on Facebook- oh good gracious there is a whole album dedicated to the glory days of high school. Honestly, if you only knew me then you may not even recognize me now. Not necessarily because I look so different.. I guess its just that I myself can’t even recognize that person. It’s quite shocking actually.. I look at the pictures of a girl who was posing, trying, reaching. Though the image I was trying to put on may be made clear to everyone else-seeing it only aesthetically and surfacely- when I see it I feel someone completely different: someone lost, empty, confused.
There has been a lot of identity talk in the CBU world these days- how our identity is not found in this or in that but in Jesus. We go to the seminars, listen to the chapel speaker, watch the cool youtube video, shrug our shoulders and smile, because we already know.
Then, once in a while there are those sweet moments that you realize that you may know, but you just don’t quite understand.
The other day, my homework was tossed aside after an intriguing topic one of my friends brought up. She looked up from her book and asked me, “do you ever just feel disgusted with yourself, wondering why on earth God loves you?” (or something like that, it was nearly 1 a.m.- forgive my lack of memory).
Oh oh oh, this is my favorite topic. This is the good part: it does not make sense. It is wonderfully, unfathomably and insensibly true. The fact that I can look back at pictures of a wounded girl as a broken, yet healed and filled with Christ woman and not even relate the two is absolutely incredible.
My friend and I talked about Ephesians 1- in which Paul wonderfully declares our heavenly citizenship, our life predestined to be adopted by God. The entire passage is a shout from God saying “I love you because I chose to love you.”
So, my conclusion is that I have none. I will always find moments that I am reminded of my filth, and God will always remind me that He does not see my filth, but His son. I won’t completely understand that until the world is perfectly restored. Come.
I dunno, just talking.. Okay, I’ll be seeing you.